Survivor Stories (pt. 12)

TW: Sexual violence

Every survivor has their own story, yet not every survivor feels heard. For a multitude of reasons, survivors fear speaking out. And even if they do speak out, that doesn’t mean someone will listen… or believe them. 

From the start of my work with PAVE, I emphasized my desire to highlight survivor stories. I desired to create a space for survivors to share their voices, one that perseveres even after my time at PAVE. 

The pieces below were submitted by survivors, some requesting to remain anonymous. Thank you to these survivors for your strength and vulnerability. We hear you. We believe you. We support you.

Compiled by Jessica Katz

Hollow Heart by Lucy

To the left of the court room I saw you, trying to believe your own lies. 

How can you just sit there?

Calm and silent with your black remorseless eyes.

Acting like you've never said my name while pretending to care. 

You broke me that night in the quiet of your dark room.

Speaking through my tightly clenched throat I said stop, but you never did.

I felt you pushing into me while I lay there holding the edges of the sheets in denial.

Softly, you told me it was because you loved me.

And like the sweetest drug your words kept me coming back for more.

What a fool I was for thinking you could love me.

I thought I had met an angel, but the truth is I was standing at the gates of hell. 

For every hand you put around my throat, there was a red flower that followed.

I gave you everything, but you lied and twisted my words like the strings on the back of a puppet.

You tortured me until those strings on my back snapped.

You always said if I broke your heart, you would make me feel like I was never wanted.

You made me feel like I was never wanted, but you had no heart to break.

You left me choking on the smoke from the fires you set, covered in burns I was convinced that I had earned. 

I always thought I hated the way you loved me.

When really you just loved to hate me.

I want to run to you and say “ I love you.”, “ I miss you.”, “Kiss me.”, “Love me.”

But you can’t love me.

You only love knowing that if you wanted to you could break me and have me.

And I hate that it’s true.

Reality feels different to me now.