Respecting Boundaries

Every relationship is different, but all relationships should have respect for boundaries. We may overstep boundaries because we believe we know what is right for someone, or we may think we are trying to help or look after them, so we try to take control of the person or situation. It could also be that “‘We might’ve been raised with different boundary expectations.’” (Azevedo; PsychCentral). Some individuals are raised to hug and kiss, while others may at most just share a handshake. Whatever the reason may be, we are disrespecting them as a result. We also keep “the person from developing useful skills and experience that they will need to conduct their life.” (A Conscious Rethink). To ensure the people in our lives feeling safe and comfortable with us, we have to respect their boundaries. By respecting their boundaries, we allow people to trust us, and to respect us back.

So how do we respect boundaries?

Communication is essential.  Avoid interrupting, distracting, or even thinking about what your response will be. Providing your undivided attention will give the open environment needed for someone to express themselves. “‘Completely wait until the other person is finished speaking, take a breath, pause and then respond.’” (Orenstein; PsychCentral). Pay attention to not only verbal cues but body language as well. If they are displaying avoidant or defensive cues then it could be that they are not comfortable or open to communicating. This would require us to assure them or even give them more personal space. 

When it is your turn to respond, do not be afraid to ask questions when you are unsure or confused. This will give them the option of clearly stating their boundary, so you know whether or not you’re encroaching (A Conscious Rethink). Additionally, it is important to accept and validate the person’s boundary. It is a boundary that they created for their safety and comfort, so it must be accepted as so. “If you feel you can’t or don’t want to, then it may be a better choice to break away from the person and move on to someone else that is more in line with what you find acceptable.” (A Conscious Rethink). This will prevent us from hurting others when we cannot cater to their boundaries. This will also lead to both or more, parties involved finding relationships that can support and cater to personal needs and wants. 

What if we unintentionally or unknowingly overstep a boundary with someone we want to keep a relationship with? This would require us to take accountability, and apologize for causing harm. The sooner you can recognize the harm caused and apologize for it, the sooner people can begin healing and rebuilding the trust lost. “The longer you wait, the more you risk causing excessive pain and perhaps long-term damage.” (Brown). When we take accountability, it is best to recognize the harm caused by those that we hurt. This means having an open conversation about the action that overstepped the boundary and recognizing in what ways we harmed them. When it is time to apologize, be sincere. Apologies are best accepted when it reflects our authentic feelings and intentions. Apologies are composed of six main components: express regrets, explain what went wrong, acknowledge responsibility, offer repair, and request forgiveness (Brown). 

We have to practice healthy communication skills such as these to better understand people in an open and safe space. We have to take accountability and recognize the impact we have caused. We build stronger and healthy relationships when we respect others, and we show them that we want to understand and learn.

Do not forget to not only respect boundaries, but also recognize what your boundaries are and set them so you can be comfortable in your relationships as well :). 

“Remember that everyone has thoughts, feelings, plans, dreams, hopes [...] everyone wants to be heard and accepted as they are.” (McNaughton; PsychCentral).

Written by PAVE’s Fall 2021 Outreach Intern, Ayden

Sources:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-respect-other-peoples-boundaries#2

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/14208/how-to-respect-boundaries-of-others/

https://drgarybrowntherapy.com/how-to-apologize-well/