How To Respond To Disclosures of Sexual Assault
The way we respond when someone shares with us that they are a survivor of sexual or domestic violence can greatly influence their healing journey. A supportive response can promote healing and strengthen the relationship you have with one another, but an unsupportive response can retraumatize the survivor and have a negative impact on their ability to heal. This can be a lot of pressure, so it’s important to be prepared for when someone in our lives discloses to us. Everyone knows a survivor, whether or not they have yet to disclose to us, so it is likely that each and every one of us will need to know how to appropriately respond to disclosure at some point in our lives.
What To Do:
Remember That Survivors Are B.R.A.V.E.
PAVE/Survivors.org has created an acronym to help you remember some of the most important things to do when someone discloses, which is to keep in mind that survivors are B.R.A.V.E. You don’t have to follow the steps of B.R.A.V.E. in order, but they are important parts of a response that let the survivor know you’re there for them.
Believe
First and foremost, tell the survivor that you believe them. It’s important to make it clear to them that you do believe them, because the fear that they will not be believed is one of the biggest barriers that keeps survivors from disclosing.
Resources
Remind them that there are resources available to help them along their healing journey. Local and national organizations like a rape crisis center or PAVE/Survivors.org, therapy, and support groups are just a few of the resources survivors can utilize.
Offer to help them find resources if they’d like that, but don’t force them into anything or do anything on their behalf without their consent.
Affirmations
Remind the survivor of their strength and courage. There are a few phrases you can keep in your back pocket that are important to say to a survivor who discloses, such as:
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Thank you so much for trusting me with this.”
“You are so brave for sharing this with me.”
“I am here to support you.”
Voice
Don’t underestimate your power as a listener and allow them to share as much, or as little, as they’d like. Let them know they have a voice and that you hear them. Encourage them to use their voice however they’d like, but be sure to not pressure them to share anything they don’t want to.
Empower
Let survivors know that how they proceed is fully their decision. Empower them to make the choices that feel best for them by standing by affirming their decision and not pressuring them into doing, or not doing, what they feel is best for them.
Listen Attentively
Being an attentive and active listener means to listen with the goal of understanding and absorbing the information given to you. Attentive and active listening helps two people reach a mutual understanding and makes sure that a survivor feels seen and understood. Ensuring that a survivor feels understood is incredibly important for survivors, who often feel as though no one understands them. A few tips to becoming a better listener include:
Undivided Attention: Silence and put away your phone. Don’t engage with other things going on in the environment that may make the survivor feel as though you aren’t fully present in the conversation.
Let Them Speak: Don’t interrupt or finish their sentences for them.
Body Language: Non-verbal cues are incredibly important. These can include turning your body towards the survivor and making eye contact. Eye contact can be difficult for some individuals, particularly those on the autism spectrum, but at least facing the survivor and looking up in their direction demonstrates that you are listening to what they have to say.
Listening To Understand, Not To Respond: It’s not uncommon for us to begin to formulate a response in our minds while someone else is sharing with us. However, this distracts us from what the other person is saying. If you catch yourself doing this, refocus your attention on the words they are saying. It’s okay if, after they share, you need a moment to formulate a response. Listening to understand rather than to respond will oftentimes ultimately result in a better response.
Reflective Listening: “I hear you’re saying___”
Validate
To validate someone is to let them know that their feelings and responses are understandable and make sense. Validation is a powerful way to make a survivor feel seen. Some ways to validate someone include phrases such as:
“I understand why you would feel that way.”
“That reaction makes sense.”
“I think most people would respond that way in your position, I know I would.”
“I understand how hard it must have been to share that, thank you for trusting me.”
“I agree, that behavior was not okay.”
“It makes sense that___.”
Keep The Focus
This is their time. They are sharing something very vulnerable and personal and they deserve to be the center of attention during the conversation. Talk about yourself as little as possible. However, sometimes survivors may feel as thought their response to what happened is invalid or they may feel alone in their experiences. If you can relate, it can be validating to share a short anecdote to let them know they’re not alone, but always bring the focus back to them and their story. Don’t take this as an opportunity to shift the conversation towards yourself and your struggles.
What Not To Do:
Don’t Tell Them What They “Should” Have Done
Don’t tell them what they should have done or what they did wrong. There is no right or wrong way to respond during or after a sexual assault. Ultimately, nothing anyone does can truly prevent whether or not they get sexually assaulted. Telling someone that they were sexually assaulted as a result of something they did or didn’t is victim-blaming.
Don’t Pressure To Report
There are many reasons why a survivor may choose to not report, and they don’t need to justify this decision to anyone. Reporting can be retraumatizing for many reasons. Pressuring someone to report or reporting on their behalf can take away the survivor’s control can be retraumatizing as well, as they didn’t have control during the assault. Reporting may not be part of the survivor’s healing journey, and that’s okay. It is not the survivor’s responsibility to stop the abuser from harming someone else.
Don’t Pressure To Forgive
Everyone defines forgiveness differently. Even if you want the survivor to forgive for their own sake, encouraging them to forgive the perpetrator may feel like you’re sweeping what happened under the rug.
Don’t Minimize
Sometimes, in a well-intentioned effort to make someone feel better about something, people use phrases such as, “at least ___” or by comparing it to other experiences. Downplaying what happened will just make the survivor feel as though you are not taking what happened to them seriously. This can cause them to feel misunderstood or as though they are overreacting.
Don’t Ask To Justify
Don’t ask the survivor why they reacted a certain way before, during, or after a sexual assault. Nothing anyone does justifies or leads to getting sexually assaulted, and people have little to no control how they will respond in a moment where their safety is at risk. Asking someone to justify why they feel a certain way can make them feel invalidated and further isolated.
Don’t Ask Questions
Asking questions can feel invasive, and the survivor may feel pressured to respond and share things they aren’t yet ready to discuss with anyone. Don’t ask who the perpetrator was, what they were wearing, whether or not they were drinking, or for details about what happened during the assault. Trust that the survivor is telling you everything that they want to share with you, and allow them to share more details as time goes on if they choose to do so. Some questions can also feel judgemental and come across as victim-blaming.
Don’t React Strongly
It makes sense that it is hard to hear that someone you love has survived a sexual assault. However, if you demonstrate large emotions during the disclosure, your feelings become the center of the conversation and may make the survivor regret sharing the information with you because they feel guilty for upsetting you with this information. Try your best to remain calm and collected during the conversation.
Don’t Threaten
It’s understandable to be angry at the perpetrator for hurting someone you care about. Not only does harming them not solve anything, but doing so just adds another layer of distress for the survivor.
Don’t Defend The Perpetrator
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey 2010-2016 by the Department of Justice, 8/10 sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the survivor knows, which means it’s possible the perpetrator is also someone you know, which can be incredibly difficult. People show different sides of themselves to different people, and just because they never harmed you doesn’t mean they are not capable of harming someone else. The survivor is disclosing to you because you are someone close to them that they trust, and you should believe that they are telling the truth about what this person did. Defending the perpetrator, or claiming they would “never do that” is essentially the same as telling them you don’t believe them.
Don’t Try To Fix
Oftentimes when someone is sharing their problems and feelings with you, they are just looking for support, comfort, and validation. There often isn’t a way to fix the survivor’s problems, and trying to do so will just cause stress for everyone involved.
Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice
If the survivor isn’t asking for advice, don’t tell them what you think they should do. Unsolicited advice can come across as judgemental and the survivor may feel pressured to do what you suggest. You can ask them if they’d like advice or if they just want you to listen and be there for them.
Don’t Share
Unless the survivor directly tells you to, do not share what they disclosed to you with anyone else. If they gave you permission to tell someone, only tell those that the survivor said it’s okay to share with and only share the information you were told it’s okay to share. Sharing something so personal that the survivor trusted you to keep private is yet another betrayal for the survivor.
Being on the receiving end of a disclosure of sexual assault can be a difficult experience. These conversations have the potential to be emotionally activating, whether you have a past history of sexual violence or not. By caring for the mental health of both survivors and ourselves, we can create a more empowering and uplifting environment for all.
For local and national resources, please visit PAVE’s survivor support website, Survivors.org.