How to Talk With Your Partner About Your Sexual Trauma

Sexual trauma is deep and personal. Regardless of your connection with your partner, your trauma is your story to tell, so when and how you choose to share it is up to you.

There are many reasons you may find it difficult to talk about sexual trauma.

Maybe you fear how your partner will respond or that their perception of you will change. Maybe you feel shame or guilt about your trauma and how it affects your relationship with physical intimacy. Or maybe it’s just difficult to revisit your trauma.

All of these reasons are valid. According to psychologist Lauren Moulds, sexual violence robs survivors of autonomy over their bodies, trust, security, and safety, which makes it difficult to share with others (Scott, 2020). By sharing your trauma, you may feel as if you’re losing control, as you’re placing your trust and your story in the hands of your partner.

Nonetheless, Moulds explains that sharing your trauma with the right person can strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy, "when people have disclosed this to their partners, they feel safer during sex to share boundaries, what they enjoy and what they don't, often leading to more sexual enjoyment and relaxation” (Scott, 2020).

There is no one correct time in your relationship to talk with your partner about your trauma. In deciding whether to disclose, Moulds says there are three questions to ask yourself (Scott, 2020):

Is your sexual trauma having a negative impact on your relationship? Is it limiting intimacy, making you avoid anything, or holding you back?

Is this relationship progressing important to you?

Do you trust this person?

Answering yes to all three questions is an indicator that, perhaps, you should disclose. What matters most is that your decision to disclose makes you feel empowered and safe.

Before having this conversation, it’s important to establish boundaries—with yourself and with your partner. Consider it preparation, ensuring that both parties are prepared for what the conversation may look like. Be mindful of what you are comfortable and not comfortable sharing. Check in with your partner to see if they have any boundaries they’d like you to consider, especially if they have their own history of trauma.

If you choose to tell your story, you don’t have to read the whole book—you can share as little or as much as you’re comfortable with. You may start by sharing a more general description to see how you and your partner react. If you or your partner start to feel disregulated, you can take a break and come back to the conversation at a later time.

Remind your partner that you are more than what happened to you. Share why you want to disclose your story. Why is this conversation important to you and your relationship? There is no one correct answer, but providing context may help the flow of the conversation.

After you have disclosed, check in with yourself and your body. Be mindful of what you feel and where you feel it in your body. Do you feel tense? Is your heart beating quickly? From there, consider what you need at that moment and communicate with your partner. Do you want their company, or to be alone?

There are ways beyond this conversation to create a safe space within intimacy with your partner. Creating a sexual safety plan may help maintain safety within your sexual relationship and diminish symptoms of distress (VanLoon, 2021). This can involve going at a pace that feels comfortable for you, utilizing trusted supports when in need, prioritizing consent, identifying potentially distressing moments, and agreeing on a safe word.

I’m proud of you for even considering sharing your story, for being vulnerable about an intimate part of your past. I hope you find empowerment and safety in your disclosure.

PAVE is here to support you through your healing journey. For a variety of support and resources, check out Survivors.org.

Scott, K. (2020, October 7). How to respond when a partner discloses sexual trauma. ABC.

VanLoon, R. (2021, December 17). How to Talk to Your Partner About Sexual Trauma. Modern Intimacy.