This is my body.

Illustrated by Nicole Glesinger

TW: Sexual Assault

Preface:

I initially published this piece for Moda Madison, a fashion and lifestyle magazine at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, on Nov. 22, 2021. I felt touched by the dozens of survivors who reached out to me after, thanking me for sharing my story and opening up about their own stories.

To me, this piece represents my whirlwind of a journey toward healing–my disconnect with my body, the struggles I faced throughout the investigation, and sitting with the aftermath of it all–which all led to me finally feeling at home in my body.

I’m sharing this piece to PAVE in hopes of reaching a wider audience of survivors. I hope you find comfort in hearing my story and realize that you are not alone in what you feel.

The following piece was written in 2021 and may not represent current Title IX policies. Additionally, every survivor on every campus has a different experience with Title IX; this is just mine. For more information on Title IX, check out KnowYourIX.org.

When it happened, I felt disgusted. My body didn’t feel like my own.

I didn’t say no. But I didn’t say yes, either. I knew him, and I liked him, but I never told him I was okay with it. Was this sexual assault, or am I just being dramatic?

It happened months ago, but these thoughts lingered long after. Like a bad stomach ache, they just wouldn’t go away. Once in a while, I was struck with flashbacks, triggering panic attacks and emotional exhaustion. And these planted a new idea in my head: a fear that every man I met was going to take advantage of me.

It wasn’t until I realized I was not the only survivor of this man’s misconduct that I recognized the severity of what had occurred. I was sexually assaulted.

I wanted to make my voice heard, protect myself, and hold this man accountable. So, I reported it to Title IX.

Here is what I wish I knew about the Title IX Formal Investigation Process after going through it.

There are differences between reporting to the police and reporting to the school.

My first decision was where to report. Title IX makes decisions based on the preponderance of the evidence, meaning the burden of proof is met when there is a greater than 50% chance the claim is true (“UW-Madison Policy on Sexual Harassment and Sexual Violence,” 2020). As of Aug. 14, 2020, UWS Chapter 17 explains that sexual misconduct can only be investigated if it occurred on campus property.

On the other hand, the court system uses the standard of beyond a reasonable doubt, meaning the burden of proof is met when there is a greater than 99% chance the claim is true (Williams, 2019). However, there are no limitations to reporting when it comes to the situation.

It’s important to weigh your options. While you may be able to explain what happened to you in detail, those with authority require evidence and interviews to verify your claims. Think a lot about this. What evidence do you have? What witnesses do you have? Do you have time to get a rape kit? How much time and energy do you have to put into this process?

After considering my options, I went with Title IX. Since my assault occurred months prior, I couldn’t submit a rape kit or hand over my clothes from the day of. I knew I had strong evidence, strong witnesses, and the voice to tell my story. I felt confident that the burden of proof could be met. And I felt more comfortable knowing this was not a criminal investigation, but one that could still hold the perpetrator accountable in serious ways.

It is a long process with a lack of support.

The typical investigation process runs approximately 60 to 90 days from the date the Notice of Investigation is issued.

My process started with the investigation; a third-party investigator interviewed me, my perpetrator and my witnesses separately. The investigator also collected evidence, including screenshots of conversations related to the manipulative nature of my perpetrator and details of the crime.

Three months later, I received the Initial Investigative Report—a document containing all the information the investigator gathered. I had around 10 days to review this lengthy report and respond with information I found incorrect or I thought should be added or removed.

Around two months after that, I received the Final Investigative Report, which included relevant information the investigator gathered along with the investigator’s decisions of guilt and accompanying suggested sanctions for my perpetrator.

There were two options moving forward. The first was to move to a jury hearing, where a panel would consider both sides of the story along with the Final Investigative Report to come to a final decision. The second option was a settlement.

For me, this entire process took longer than the expected 60 to 90 days; it took 141 days. Most of that time was spent waiting and wondering. While my investigator and the Title IX office guided me through the steps, I spent a lot of time questioning what was happening. I never knew when information would be sent to me. I was never given updates. No one from the Title IX office checked up on me.

Whenever I wanted information or an update, I had to reach out. Oftentimes, I was met with slightly agitated responses. This was difficult to handle. While I kept myself busy with my regular life, the investigation remained in the back of my mind all the time. I was always slightly on edge. That’s why it was crucial to have a strong support system by my side: my friends and family. They accompanied me to interviews, listened to me rant, and offered words of encouragement throughout the process.

There will be evidence against you as a victim.

Evidence is crucial to the investigation, whether it is physical or digital. I knew I had strong evidence against my perpetrator—information that fit the picture of him I painted. It clearly showed his manipulative behavior and lack of understanding of concepts like boundaries and consent.

But he also had evidence. When I read the initial report, I felt disgusted that half of it attacked my character. He shared supposed stories and information that, in his mind, excused any wrong of his. He shared moments of our prior intimacy. Most significantly, he wrongfully assumed that consent had transferred from one situation to another.

Although I knew the investigation was between me and my perpetrator, I found myself shocked to see the evidence against myself as a victim.

It was important for me to take a step back and recognize that a lot of the information against me was made up of lies and assumptions. Even if it had been true, it was not an excuse for his behaviors; consent does not transfer from one situation to another.

I put a lot of time and thought into my responses. I explained not only what was false and why it should be excluded from the report, but also how none of this excused his misconduct. I spoke my truth, and I found the peace of mind I could in knowing I had done all I could do.

You may have to face your perpetrator.

One part of the process is the hearing, in which a panel hears from both sides and makes a final decision on guilt and possible sanctions. At this time, both parties have the opportunity to speak and cross-examine (“UW-Madison Policy on Sexual Harassment and Sexual Violence,” 2020).

With the COVID-19 pandemic, hearings are held virtually. However, there is a great chance both you and your perpetrator will be at the hearing. Thus, you may have to see your perpetrator and hear them speak.

I knew I could not handle a hearing, and I made that clear in my conversations with Title IX. For me, the idea of a hearing seemed like reliving my trauma. I’d have to discuss, listen to, and be questioned about my assault all over again. That’s why I chose a settlement.

There are options for your safety beyond the investigation.

Even before I started the investigation, I wanted to make sure my perpetrator had no way of reaching me or those I care about. Thus, I was presented with the opportunity to get a No Contact Directive (Response & Investigation Options, n.d.).

Regardless of your investigation status, Title IX reports that “You may be issued a No Contact Directive (NCD) by the Sexual Misconduct Resource and Response Program if someone has indicated they are concerned about receiving unwanted contact from you based on prior alleged conduct” (Respondent Information, n.d.).

The Title IX process took much longer than I expected and surprised me in multiple ways. It was challenging and filled my days with an added layer of anxiety. But in the end, it was worth it. I found justice in the outcomes of my process. Because I took the risk of reporting, I am able to feel comfortable knowing I am safe and my perpetrator will face serious consequences for his actions.

I’ve also grown a lot from this process. I’ve found comfort in knowing I am never alone. Regardless of who I am or what I have gone through, I have a support system of family and friends who love me unconditionally. My therapist, my parents, and my friends made sure to check up on me. And I made sure to check up on myself, too.

I came to a realization that I am lovable and desirable beyond my body. Not everyone I meet wants to take advantage of me. I’ve gained this sense of ownership in my body and in my being, knowing that people care about me for a variety of reasons. And I truly deserve that.

I’m proud of myself for my unceasing strength, standing up for myself and other survivors of sexual misconduct. This is my body, and coming forward about my experience helped me realize that no one can take that away from me.

Reporting is empowering but not an option for everyone. There are other ways to find closure and peace. Check out Survivors.org to find resources in your area.

Sources:

Respondent Information (n.d.). University of Wisconsin-Madison Office of Compliance.

Response & Investigation Options. (n.d.). University of Wisconsin-Madison Office of

Compliance.

UW-Madison Policy on Sexual Harassment and Sexual Violence. (2020, August). University of

Wisconsin-Madison.

Williams, J. (2019, September 5). What is an Indictment: A Guide on Everything to Know and

Expect. Attorney At Law Magazine.