Survivor Stories (pt. 4)

TW: Sexual violence

Every survivor has their own story, yet not every survivor feels heard. For a multitude of reasons, survivors fear speaking out. And even if they do speak out, that doesn’t mean someone will listen… or believe them.

From the start of my work with PAVE, I emphasized my desire to highlight survivor stories. I desired to create a space for survivors to share their voices, one that perseveres even after my time at PAVE.

The pieces below were submitted by survivors, some requesting to remain anonymous. Thank you to these survivors for your strength and vulnerability. We hear you. We believe you. We support you.

Compiled by Jessica Katz

Flowers by anonymous

Grief. 4 years. 4 years is a long time to hold on to something that hurts so badly. 4 years is a long time to never let go. I see you in the shadows of the alleys when I walk home from work alone. I feel you in the hands that brush my skin without asking if they ever could. I hear you in the laughs of those who don’t know. A pounding in my heart—a void—black—dark—gone. Loneliness. 4 years. 4 years of suffering in silence. Help is a winding road few have the ability to travel. But it's fine—I’m fine. And then I’m not. The moon and I are staring at each other finding a friend. Finding a light—even just a shimmer on some nights—brave enough to face the inevitable darkness that creeps. The stars are there too— so you’re never really alone. But you shine a little brighter, fall a little harder; feel a little deeper than the rest. And that is what makes you alone, my moon.

The walls. 4 years of my walls. They are strong. They haven’t let me get hurt since. I reject, I cancel, I lead on, and I turn down — for me. Because my walls don’t let me do otherwise. My walls do their job. No intruders. No chances taken. I am safe behind them. Nobody can touch me. Nobody will touch me. I am light on my ground. I hover a few feet above the rest. I am safe here. Safe. I am safe.

Vigilance. 4 years of scanning every room I’m in, every time I go out to eat, go to a party, a bar, a class I’m in, a group hangout, a Facebook invite event, I look for you and your name. My dog has the same name as you, did you know that? But he fills me up with so much love, pours his heart and his little soul into me. He fills me with so much love I can’t breathe. He loves me until I hurt. It hurts to love. It does. But I have come to learn that a name is only that. You are a person and he is a dog. A name is the only thing you share. Maybe your name isn’t ruined for me. How can I let something that brings me so much joy share the same fate as you? I won’t. I don’t. I can’t. Your name is not ruined. Yours belongs to you and his belongs to him. Not all things that go by your name are sour.

Mirrors. 4 years of staring back at a different person. She is strong and she is soft and she is so beautiful, yet she is wounded. But she is being stitched up. Flowers—my kind lovers—are growing over the broken dirt that is that night back in August. Back in 2018. Back to a time I can hardly remember anymore. The broken dirt is healing; it is being watered, nurtured, cared for—loved.

And someday, I will see nothing but flowers.

the way you made me feel by Chloe

i hate you and you make me sick now

but i loved you and you made me feel good

you disgust me and you make me feel small now

but i loved you and you made me feel larger than life

i loathe you and your face makes me cry now

but i loved you and you made me smile

you kill me and i wish you were dead now

but i loved you and you made me feel so alive

you hurt me and you scare me now

but i loved you and you made me feel safe

see i hate all the things that you make me feel now

cause i remember the things that you made me feel then

then i felt happy, safe, and alive

now i feel small, i feel sick, sad, and scared

i loved you and you made me feel safe

but you hurt me and you scare me now

i loved you and you made me feel so alive

but you kill me and i wish you were dead now

i loved you and you made me smile

but i loathe you and your face makes me cry now

i loved you and you made me feel larger than life

but you disgust me and you make me feel small now

i loved you and you made me feel good

but i hate you and you make me sick now