Pleasure and Healing

TW: sexual assault

Your body is strong, but it’s also delicate and sensitive, and there’s power in that. You feel with your entire being.

After experiencing sexual trauma, it’s normal to feel disconnected from your body. According to psychologist Lauren Moulds, “Often one of the things that we lose is we don't really know anymore what feels good and we don't feel connected or in tune with our body” (Scott, 2019).

Sexual trauma manifests in different ways. Moulds explains, “After sexual assault, not only do we store the bad memories in our brains, our bodies keep the ‘memory’ of the touch and actions, impacting a person's ability to be intimate” (Scott, 2019). You may feel powerless, like you’ve lost control. You may be hypersexual. You may fear intimacy of any sort. As a survivor, pleasure can seem very complex, but you are worthy and capable of reclaiming your sexual empowerment.

The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is with yourself, so it’s important you connect with your body however feels most comfortable to you. From survivor to survivor, here are some ways to regain control of your body.

Exploring your body

You cannot connect with your body without exploring it first. Creating body awareness can start small, like paying attention to feelings of hunger or drowsiness. It could also mean recognizing what feels good, like taking a hot shower. Further, Moulds recommends using exercise to reconnect: swimming, meditation, yoga. These practices are important in bringing awareness back to your physical inclinations and needs (Scott, 2019).

Pleasure Mapping

Everybody experiences pleasure differently. Get hyper-specific about where and how pleasure manifests in your body. It’s all about calibration and understanding what feels good for you. Pleasure mapping considers pressure (how much pressure is being applied at any given moment), friction (if the contact point is in motion or if it is stationary), speed (how fast the point of contact is moving), angle (which direction the contact is coming from and pointing towards) and pattern (do you prefer a consistent pattern, random bursts, edging, etc.) (Burr, 2017).

Maybe you love getting kisses on the sides of your neck, or maybe you love getting bitten on your inner thigh. All of that is uniquely you. Reclaiming your body means getting to know exactly how you desire to experience pleasure.

Nurturing masturbation

Masturbation is more than self-pleasure. For survivors, it’s an act of self-love, a powerful act we do by and for ourselves. It’s being present with your body and its needs.

It’s important that self-pleasure is the intention of your masturbation (Scott, 2019). This means setting aside time for yourself. Make it a whole night; take a long bath, light some candles and listen to soothing music. Take your time, feeling different parts of your body or maybe even trying different toys.

Work out what feels good, and what doesn’t. Give your body the attention that you give your lovers. You are in control, and there is nothing bad about feeling good.

Show your body love, gratitude, and patience

Reclaiming your body is a long and sometimes difficult journey. You may experience triggers, even from being touched in a certain way. According to Moulds, “memories are re-experiencing the physical side of a traumatic event—the feelings and sensations the person felt during the original trauma” (Scott, 2019).

Remind yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s okay for what you want during sex to change. It’s okay to stop or change what you’re doing. It’s okay to orgasm—or not to orgasm. Everyone grows into their sexuality at different paces, and that’s okay.

Communicate with your partners

When a partner crosses boundaries, it is easy to fear intimacy. When you’ve lost control of your body, even for just one moment, how can you trust others won’t do the same? To feel in control of your body and your intimacy, communicating with your partner is better than any sex toy.

A good partner wants to know what you like and don’t like—so tell them. Checking in, taking a break, stopping or asking for consent won’t ruin the mood. You have no obligation to explain yourself; you deserve to feel safe.

The key reminder is that you are in control of your own body. You deserve to have an empowering and healthy relationship with sex.

This piece was originally published by the author in Moda Magazine’s Spring 2022 print issue and on modamadison.com. Subtle changes have been made to fit PAVE’s audience.

Graphic by Shea Murphy

Burr, B. (2017, October 27). Pleasure Mapping: Unlocking Pleasure Kenneth Play. psychnsex.

Scott, K. (2019, October 15). Using masturbation to reclaim power and pleasure after sexual trauma. ABC