When Sexual Violence Happens in Your Friend Group
“I thought this sort of thing happened to other people, but here it is, right in my bubble.”
-Anonymous
It can be really difficult when a friend discloses to us that another friend has perpetrated sexual violence. But it’s not our business, right? It’s unfair for our friends to ask us to pick a side, right?
Wrong.
While that mindset is fine for a conflict between mutual friends, sexual violence is not an interpersonal conflict, and it certainly isn’t drama. It is real-life trauma and real-life violence that needs to be treated with the seriousness it deserves. It’s understandable if this causes you emotional or mental distress; it can be hard to realize that someone we considered a friend is capable of such an act. An important thing to remember about sexual violence is that anyone, even someone who is kind to us, is capable of being a perpetrator. Research shows that approximately 80% of survivors are at least acquaintances with the person who perpetrated the sexual violence (RAINN), so if your friend is sexually assaulted by someone, it’s likely that you may know them too. Keep reading to help yourself be more prepared if you ever find yourself in this situation, and how you can best respond to support survivors.
Believe The Survivor.
Research shows that police reports of sexual assault have the same rate of false reports as any other crime, it is a rape myth that people who report sexual violence are often lying. Would you question whether or not your friend is lying about having their car stolen? If we take into consideration disclosures of sexual assault, not just reports to police, which research shows are rarely reported, we have little reason to believe that a friend is being dishonest. If a friend has chosen you as the person they’re disclosing to, it means they trust you, and you should trust that they are honest with you. Coming forward about an incident of sexual assault by a mutual friend is very difficult for the survivor, if they are truly your friend, you should believe them.
Believe the survivor, and explicitly tell them that you do.
Every survivor responds differently, don’t base whether or not you believe them on their demeanor (crying, smiling, avoiding eye contact, etc.). It can also be a good idea to educate yourself on common trauma responses to better understand what your friend is going through.
Listen.
Oftentimes, the survivor just wants to be heard and have their traumatic experience validated, rarely are they wanting you to take specific action. What does it mean to validate someone? To validate is to show you really hear someone and understand why they feel the way they do. Validating statements that don’t reinforce potential blame that the survivor feels may sound like:
“I understand why you’re feeling that way, but it’s definitely not your fault.”
Try your best to make sure the survivor knows their feelings make sense, while also helping them recognize that they deserve to be free from self-blame. Sometimes, when we jump to “correcting” a survivor’s thought pattern, they may feel unheard or that they “shouldn’t” feel the way they do. In reality, any and all feelings after sexual violence, especially when perpetrated by someone they considered a friend, are valid.
You can show the survivor that you’re listening by looking at them while they speak and not multitasking, such as going on your phone, and letting them finish their thoughts before you respond. Respect what the survivor is willing and unwilling to share with you and avoid asking questions, as they may feel pressured to respond with information they’re not comfortable sharing yet. Similarly, don’t question why they did or didn’t do something.
Let Them Lead.
Let the survivor take the lead both in the conversation and how they respond long-term. Offering support means not forcing them to do anything, even if you think it would be what is “best” for them. You can propose different options for them to take, such as reporting, seeking resources, reaching out to a therapist, or informing other members of the friend group, but it is crucial that you respect your friend’s decision and drop it the first time if they say no. For example, say:
“If you want to report, I will go with you.”
Instead of:
“You should report this.”
Research shows that reactions that attempt to control the survivor’s response lead to higher rates of post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, and lower perceptions of self-worth (The Journal of Intrapersonal Violence). Survivors have had their ability to control what happens to them taken away due to the sexual violence they experienced, it is retraumatizing if the same thing happens when they disclose.
Manage Your Response.
It can be hard to hear this, especially if the perpetrator is a close friend. However, if it is difficult for you, imagine how difficult it is for the survivor. While discussing it with the survivor, try your best to remain composed, and allow yourself time to grieve the image you had of the perpetrator after the conversation is over. It also makes sense if you’re angry at the perpetrator for what they’ve done, but don’t threaten to harm them or confront them.
Don’t act shocked or surprised in front of the survivor, and never say things such as:
“I never expected that from ___.”
“But ___ is so nice to me.”
“I’m surprised ___ would do that.”
“It could be worse.”
As previously mentioned, anyone and everyone is capable of perpetrating sexual violence, even people who are kind to us. People are multifaceted and do not treat everyone the same way. Your experience with the perpetrator means nothing about the validity of the survivor’s story.
Distance From The Perpetrator.
Only interact with the perpetrator if the survivor says you should. They may fear that the perpetrator will retaliate if they know or suspect they’ve disclosed what happened. Otherwise, whether or not they’ve explicitly asked you to, distance yourself from the perpetrator. It can be very invalidating for survivors to see a friend continue a relationship with someone who caused them great harm, but they may be hesitant to directly ask this of you out of fear of being accused that they’re forcing people to “pick sides.” If you truly believe the survivor and care about them, why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who harmed them that way? The survivor deserves to have what happened to them taken seriously, and seeing someone they trust and opened up to continue to be friends with the perpetrator can be a trauma itself.
Only tell the perpetrator why you’re ending the friendship if the survivor wants you to. Otherwise, you don’t owe them an explanation. Again, the survivor may fear that the perpetrator will retaliate if they find out they’ve disclosed.
Trauma Isn’t Drama.
Remember that this is a traumatic life-event, not a drama or conflict between your friends. 41% of sexual assault survivors continue to meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder one year after the assault (Dworkin, Jaffe, & Fitzpatrick 2021). What the survivor disclosed to you stays between the two of you, so do not tell other friends unless the survivor explicitly asks you to or gives you permission. In the same vein, if the survivor does give you permission to discuss this with others, only discuss it with individuals they’ve allowed you to and only give details they’ve allowed you to give. Treat their disclosure with the respect and empathy it deserves. Thank them for disclosing to you and trusting you with that story. They only did so because they trust you, so please do everything in your power to not betray that trust.
It’s Okay To Grieve
It’s okay to mourn the friendship you had with the perpetrator or the person you thought they were. It is really hard to learn this about someone we considered a friend, and it may take time to fully accept it. As long as you aren’t voicing this to the survivor, it makes sense that you may experience the cycles of grief over the end of this friendship, even if you truly believe and support the survivor.
“It’s a bit sad I lost someone I shared so many memories with. But I don’t want to be friends with someone who abuses his power with people like that, especially with people I love.”
-Jeroen (VICE)
While the survivor needs support during this time, don’t feel guilty if you need support too. However, the survivor themselves is not the person to seek support from. Try reaching out to a therapist, counselor, trusted adult, or sexual violence related resources for support during this time. It’s valid if you’re sad about this news.
For more resources, visit Survivors.org
To learn more about supporting survivors, visit. PAVE University
